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Below are the 16 most recent journal entries recorded in emily313's LiveJournal:

Sunday, January 21st, 2007
5:37 pm
why people on ebay can suck my dick
why are the majority of people who buy shit on ebay retarded? stop asking me for a refund on shit because you don't know how to read! when i say something is 26" i don't mean its secretly 32" you stupid bitch in iowa. that dress would probably look awful on you anyways. where would you wear it? would you wear it to town square? i assume thats all you have in your town is a square. there are probably some benches and a depressing fountain with a statue of the guy who discovered corn syrup. is that what you do? is that where people hang out in your shitty little town? i bet you used to skip school with your greasy faced boyfriend and just go stare at the fountain.


p.s. suck it!
Tuesday, December 5th, 2006
4:32 am
bitch! bitch! bitch! bitch!
omg like SOOO much has happened since i last blogged, y'all.

first of all i had my improv class final show. i fucking kicked ass and took names (for a future mailing list). i was so nervous before but when i got up there something overcame me and i was like an improv Liza Minnelli but with slightly less pills. all kidding aside it felt AMAZING and i can't wait to perform again. who knew i was such a stage whore. bad..naughty little wittle stage slut. daddy's little stage bitch. what?

second thing i got a new kitty! she appeared one night on the roof and i got her checked out finally and shes all healthy. her name is Don Piano after that video online of cat's talking. im not tripping balls right now. shes adorable. orange and white kind of otto's build...a swimmer's build. she looks like otto's girlfriend. AWWWWWWWWWWW. its a regular christmas miracle though the way she appeared on our roof. how the hell did she get up there? whoa, y'all. i better get Robert Stack on the horn.
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third rhymes with turd! i start level 2 of the improv classes in january and i can't wait! yay yay yay. it feels so nice to be passionate about something...you know besides my work with inner city kids. oh didn't i tell you? yeah. i work with inner city kids. im teaching them how to french m'butt. hahahahahhahahhhahah LOL.

i love you,

franklin delano roosevelt
Saturday, October 14th, 2006
1:48 am
i make a bloggings
ello aven't blogged en a'while.

that was my british accent. fucking impeccable..dead on.

so...
i got this part-time assistant job for a shoe designer! so fucking psyched about this. i had been eyeing these boots Image Hosted by ImageShack.us for a looooong time (extra o's indicate length) and waiting for the price to go down from 600 american dollars to a more reasonable amount. not happening. i decided to write the designer cheyenne since shes williamsburg based and ask if she could hook me up and also if she needed an assistant. she said not only do i have them in your fucking size (3 1/2 sexy) but i do in fact need an assistant. please come to my sexual little house over on south 1st tuesday and wear something low-cut.

i showed up in a tube-top and pleated teal girbeau jeans. she crumpled my resume, wiped her ass with it, burnt it with one of those novelty penis lighters from vegas and said youre hired, biatch.

psych that didnt happen..save for the penis lighter. anyways after she gets back from this leather convention (BDSM) in italy i start to work. and i got the boots wholesale, dude.

wait...does this mean im not unemployed anymore? oh shit. im just doing it for the shoes, gen x, i swear baby. im still cool. i still listen to the gin doctors. where are you going?
Monday, September 25th, 2006
4:48 am
outfit i like
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wear striped apple sweater, red studded belt, adidas/other shorts, grey tights, and grey boots.
4:39 am
ugh
feeling a tiny bit better. i keep saying Robertson by accident or thinking i see him. or getting really excited that he might be on jaime's bed when i walk in the door. but hes not. otto is still really freaked out. he keeps whining and running around all night looking out the window. i think he doesnt know what to do with himself. he wears himself out till he eventually passes out by my legs. i came to the conclusion that Robbie told him what to do. he would tell him what time to eat, what time to nap, what time to eat again, what time to beg for more food, what time to eat, what time to nap, and what time to play fight before more food and bedtime. oh i miss fatterson. he loved food haha. i think otto needs a cat buddy soon though to boss him around. i bet a kitten could boss otto around hah. aww. Robertson i miss kissing you in the morning at the foot of my bed!!!
Saturday, September 23rd, 2006
12:04 am
sad
i put Robertson to sleep today Sept. 22nd at 6pm. they let me spend two hours petting and kissing him beforehand which was nice. he was very calm and sleepy so that made me feel better. i didnt think i wanted to watch the vet put him to sleep at first but then changed my mind. i watched him take his last breath and he went so fast it made me feel at peace...somewhat. i got to kiss him goodbye again and then left. im going to have him cremated and then i want to spread his ashes at my dad's house in michigan. he has a really nice old house and i want to plant a tree there too.

its so hard. he seemed like he still had so much life in him. he looked at me and was responsive to the scratches i gave him. but when he would try and stand he howled. to keep him alive any longer would have been terrible and selfish. i know i did the right thing. but i will miss him forever. seriously forever. he was bar none the most special animal in the world. and i have had many special animals in my life so that is saying a lot. i feel like im going to have this void in my heart forever and that is painful. otto seems very depressed too. ususally hes extremely cuddly but he just wants to howl and hide tonight.

i think i may go check out a shelter tomorrow and see some cats. maybe its too soon. i think just seeing all these kitties will make me feel good. i want to help out an 2-3 year old cat that needs a warm home. i have so much love to give.

robertson i will always love you!!!
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Tuesday, September 19th, 2006
9:43 am
goddammit
god fucking dammit. shit!!!!!!!! im so fucking pissed and sad right now. i had to rush robertson in to the emergency vet last night and everything is so fucked up. the doctor called and said he has lung cancer and i feel so awful i didnt do anything for him sooner. poor little fattie. this is just so unfair and i hate it. i hate that i lost my mom and now im going to lose my childhood cat. hes not even that old..hes 10. he eats and drinks water and shits normally....why is this happening? why now? hes made it across the country in the back of my car twice. hes been there for me. hes always been a big fluffy pile of white hair to bury my face in when im sad. he really loves me too. he thrives with me. little angry fattie. he used to bite everyone and when he came to live wtih me he chilled out and got so sweet and loving. plus otto and eliot are in love with him too. this is going to be so hard. goddammit.

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Friday, September 15th, 2006
4:39 am
typical thursday
went out tonight. did a shitload of heroin with lou reed. he told me all the music he ever made was shit and would never compare to anything ive ever done in my life. met up with kate moss and did a few key bumps in the bathroom at the four seasons. listened to some music youve never heard before. later i had butt sex with both olsen twins while titty fucking lindsay lohan. i was so bored i feel asleep during it and when i came to they all orgasmed simultaneously. then i went and put on my silk jumpsuit and hang glided out the window of their soho loft back to bushwick.

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Thursday, September 14th, 2006
6:27 am
improv to me
okay im cracking up right now because im trying to picture what my improv class will be like. the way im picturing it right now is a bunch of people in a circle wearing "non-restricting" cotton clothing. basically dashikis made of something eco like unbleached cotton. were all standing around in a circle and there are two slightly chubby and over-enthusiastic people across from me. the girl one is pretending to eat an ice cream cone and the boy one is pretending to dribble a basketball. now its my turn to pretend and full of shame i begin to hoe fake dirt and dab my brow with a handkerchief. what if its exactly like that?

Possible first day outfit:
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p.s. my performance name is carol
1:08 am
yo what up?
longy timey no typey. psych. its been like two days. two days of utter emptiness that i can not fill with enough chicken wings. ew those chicken wings tonight were pretty ugh. im so over the ironic chicken wing dinner. its like funny that im in a sportsbar for the first five minutes but after that it just starts to suck. you cant talk to the people you came with because everyones screaming and you want to puke up what you just ate and what everyone else just ate.

jaime and i are dogsitting again. geronimo is fucking cute. hes way into the cats and its funny. i wish otto and him would go on a milo and otis type journey to warm everyones heart.

what else is new?

shit...nothing really.

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Tuesday, September 12th, 2006
12:29 am
style idea
just some stuff to try

tank over ruffle top or button down.

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i like this: wear the NK sweatshirt over a dress
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and this
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oh and this too
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12:13 am
improv class
so i signed up for that improv class tonight. im going to take it with Kelly. its on saturdays so that should be really chill. i think it will be good to have a friend in class. we could even get a show together. a show where we are two big dykes. hahah id like to pitch her a show idea where im very lecherous and try to play it off like 'hey wouldn't it be funny if...' and she would have to pity laugh and change the subject. but i keep coming back to this graphic lesbian scene where im molesting her onstage. im a freak. god i hope this goes well. AHHH sept 30th!

nextly, that is not a word. it is/was sept 11th today. they had two huge spotlights at sept 11th. it was pretty intense looking. i cant believe its been 5 years!!! 5 years??!! what the hell have i been doing in those 5 years? definately a lot of farting...and a ton of horrifying puns. i wish i could watch a best of reel of all that. wouldn't that be great?

so im going to start writing material up here i think too. just to type more and force myself to get practice. i sat down tonight and wrote about 3 minutes of a routine and its actually decent. the set-up is the hardest part for me. how do you find the right timing and approach to have the punchline really pay off? i guess you just need tons of practice.

more fashion week stuff? maybe. i just wrote some bitchy comments on someones fashion blog hahaha anonymously. god im such a homo. i get all freaked out when i cause cyber-shit...but yet continue to do it. it doesnt feel good at all...why do i do it? anyways...i just looked at the imitation of christ collection and boy is it horrible!! horrible! i mean i guess shows dont have to be 100% cohesive and making sense but theirs was all over the place. it was harajuku street fashion asian girl style and then flowy flowery hippie shit and then super tailored off the shoulder shirt dresses. there was one dress with a hem that was mini on one side and then under the models foot on the other side? what is that? that is just an unfinished dress, tara. tara fucking subkoff. you filthy litte ho bag. ho ho ho santa. atleast the imitation denim and easy spirit shoes are good. what happened with this collection though for reals?
Monday, September 11th, 2006
5:07 pm
note to self
kill everyone. psych...wear navy blue with hot pink. pop pop pop.

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4:42 pm
holy shit luella
im being gay and looking at fashion week crap. or is that being cool? who knows anymore. what i do know is that i really really love the Luella collection. normally i see things of hers that i like but i immediately forget about her. ill move on to coveting marc or chloe or stella...but wow this collection is amazing. the matching shoes are making me squirm.
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now ive got to figure out a way to make this outfit a reality without really making it a reality to my wallet. perhaps i can make the matching shoes somehow...hmmm.
Sunday, September 10th, 2006
11:16 pm
jokes and jokes and jokes
Okay...so I really want to do stand-up. I'm fucking scared to death though. and where do you even begin to go about this? i guess the main thing to do is just start writing and writing. but who hates writing more than me? maybe an illiterate person? they probably even like to draw squiggly guys more than i like to write stuff. i took that sketch writing class and it was great but the stuff i wrote was so gay. im so easily discouraged by everything. i guess what i need to do is make a solid plan here.
1. start writing atleast three times a week
2. write down EVERYTHING in your jokebook
3. listen to a shitload of standup and pick apart the styles and techniques
4. do that damn improv class (bleh)
5. network more (bwahahah)
6. start doing open mics (eww)
Wednesday, December 29th, 2004
11:30 pm
tom cruise
i think if you deprived tom cruise of sunglasses he would implode.
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